My Ai Yi Yi Phone!

I did it! I finally did it! I caved into peer pressure, wanton hedonism, and viral marketing – and I’m glad I did! Okay, perhaps "glad" isn’t the best word to describe what I’m currently feeling, but at least I’m no longer driving myself crazy with the constant "I wonder if I should" voice echoing around in my head.

When I heard that Verizon is now offering the iPhone, I catapulted myself to the head of the line and signed up (and this was way before I’d ever heard of Angry Birds – but more about that later!)

Sounds like I know what I’m doing, doesn’t it? Well, let me just say, if my lips are moving and I’m talking about anything that involves modern technology, you can bank on the fact I’m actually clueless.

I like to think I’m hip and in the know, but then, I also like to think I look like Catherine Zeta-Jones, have Oprah Winfrey’s money, and possess the patience of Job. Call me delusional. I thought because I had a phone that flipped open, I was down with my bad self. The mere fact that I would say anything even remotely like that shows just how far out of touch I’d fallen!

I’ve watched lustfully as friends and family out-smart-phoned me. First it was their Blackberries. I would be sitting at a table actually eating while they would be answering interesting ring tones and then texting wildly. They didn’t even hear me when I asked if I could have their crème brûlée – which meant I got a lot of free desserts. Unfortunately, this did nothing to assist me in terms of jumping into 21st century communication.

At just about the time I was starting to think I couldn’t live without a Blackberry, Apple introduced the first iPhone. I personally think they should have called it the Cumquat, just to continue the pattern – but I’ve already told you I don’t have a clue.

Lucky for me, number one – I couldn’t afford it – and number two – my carrier didn’t offer it. Now that’s what I call a win/win situation! If my luck had held, my carrier would never have offered it – because most of the things I have I can’t afford, which hasn’t seemed to stop me in the past!

Several of my friends (and I use the term loosely), not to mention family members (you know who you are) kept sending me alerts talking about how Verizon was on the verge of introducing their version of the iPhone. I feigned disinterest, but the truth-be-told, I went on their website so many times to check, I should be embarrassed.

And then, just a few weeks ago I got an email telling me because I’d been such a loyal customer I was eligible to get the new iPhone when it became available. I vowed I would not stand in line, or in any other way behave like some sort of gadget groupie. I remember having just one moment of rational behavior where I actually thought what do I need a smartphone for? I rarely use any of the minutes on my current phone? And then the moment passed!

I am now the proud owner of an iPhone. Of course, mine is unique because it has a bright red case. What? Other people have bright red cases? The nerve! Okay, well mine is very cool because I have already downloaded apps. I have an app that makes my phone into a flashlight. How’s that for cool? Unfortunately, I temporarily blinded myself when I turned it on the first time since I didn’t realize which direction the light would be pointing.

I am finally figuring out what the various blings and bleeps mean – and hope to actually discover how to create interesting ringtones to announce when someone I want to talk to is calling. I think I will first have to figure out how to answer the darned thing (I’m kidding – sort of).

Before I got my new phone I was determined I was going to use it for business purposes. That was how I convinced myself buying a smartphone was a smart move. Something tells me I’ve been outsmarted!

To date, pretty much all I’ve done (besides downloading cool apps and trying to turn off the flashlight) is play Angry Birds. On the day I got my phone, a co-worker said, "You just have to download Angry Birds." I told her I don’t play video games. Now I’m pretty sure she is actually part of the Angry Birds cult that goes out and grabs unsuspecting people and pulls them into their vortex of crazy.

The problem with iPhones and Angry Birds is this – you can play the game when you are supposed to be in bed going to sleep. Not since I was 10 and hid under the sheets with a flashlight trying to read The Brides of Dracula (a book my mother had forbidden) have I exhibited this sort of behavior. To make matters worse, if you hold an iPhone overhead for hours on end playing a game, it pretty much assures you will not be able to move your arms the next day. (I am typing this with my teeth!)

Before you judge me, let me just say this – when I am lost in apps or playing Angry Birds – or even trying to get my arms to lower to a normal position – there is one thing I’m not doing for sure – thinking about breast cancer. Now that’s a smart phone!