Great Expectations... Or, How Can I Say No, No When There’s Yes, Yes in My Sighs?

By Dianne Armitage

I was raised at a time when in order to be considered a good girl you were expected to say yes to just about everything except sex. I grew up watching women sacrifice their own wishes (and often happiness) in order to please everyone else. That’s just how things were done. Needless to say, I also grew up during a time when there was a lot of muttering under the breath, door slamming when no one was home to hear it (other than the kids), and complaining if someone would listen.

This was also well before caller ID, so an unsuspecting woman had no way of knowing that Mildred Snarchworth was on the other end of the line getting ready to ask her to be a troop leader, bake pies for the school fundraiser, or proofread a thousand page document before dawn. Heaven help the woman who got three calls asking her to do each of these tasks – because she was bound by honor to say “yes, sure, okay”.

Then, as now, there was always that one goodie two shoes who not only managed to say yes and mean it, but seemed to actually enjoy juggling a myriad of responsibilities above and beyond just being a good mother and wife. You all know who I’m talking about. She’s got a baby perched on one hip, an egg beater poised in one hand to create perfect meringue for her perfect lemon meringue pie, the phone plastered to the side of her head, while her other hand is reaching for the door knob (so that she can hand off a perfectly wrapped gift to a neighbor). Please don’t take this wrong. I hate her.

I can’t seem to walk and chew gum at the same time, much less multi-task in the domestic arena. I’ve always wanted to be that woman, but try as I might, the baby cries, the pie burns, I drop the phone in the dishwater (or toilet) – and I forget that I’m supposed to purchase, much less wrap, a gift for the neighbor. When I compare myself to my dynamo counterpart, I come away feeling like a failure.

For a long time, I went through the motions of trying to do it all and be it all. Then breast cancer stepped in. I’ve talked at some length about the positive things cancer can bring your way, and one of them is learning how to give yourself a break and say no. Initially people cut you a wide berth because they actually seem to realize that it is asking too much to expect someone dealing with cancer to coach the Little League Team, or mow Uncle Izzy’s back forty. If you are lucky, they will also know it’s not a good time to ask you to wax Uncle Izzy’s back either!

Of course, there are some well-meaning individuals who will think it’s important for you to stay busy and take your mind off your problems, so they are likely to try to enlist your services in some way. I distinctly remember taking a friend’s cat to the vet to be wormed because she was too busy and figured I had plenty of time on my hands. “It will be good for you”, she said. “Scuzzywump will help you think about something besides your troubles.” Although I was grateful it was Scuzzywump and not me getting wormed, I had no qualms telling the cat I thought his mother was a vile, nasty woman. You know how cats are; I mean really, they can be so insensitive. Scuzzy (that’s his nickname) just meowed and burped fish breath in my direction.

At some point, I don’t know whether it was because the chemo had worn me out, or I’d actually started to grow a backbone, I began to test the waters of the negative response pool. I was such a novice at saying no that I had to make up excuses the first few times, because I didn’t know how to simply say the word and move on. And, I’ll admit it, saying no made me feel guilty. I’m pretty sure my neighbor knew I was fibbing when I said I couldn’t pick up her dry cleaning because I had an interview with Queen Elizabeth – but at least it got me off the hook. I briefly took to curtseying, wearing long gloves, and sporting a tiara just to lend credence to this ruse.

After a while I found it was quite easy just to say no without feeling compelled to provide an explanation. I had to remember that when you feel confident in saying no, you have to feel equally okay about having people say no to you as well. Granted, I don’t say no all the time. If someone asks me if I want a bite of their cupcake, a quick yes will usually suffice! When someone asks me for a hug, I seldom feel the need to negate. And in those times when I sense a family member or friend is in dire straits, I would never turn my back on their needs. I just don’t get caught up in all of the social stuff so many of us tend to get buffaloed into doing.

Sometimes when I’m feeling particularly feisty, I go bilingual on the person making the request and say, “No way José!" It’s amazing how many people speak Spanish!