The Marry Month of May

I love this time of year when the weather begins to cooperate and provides us with the ability to get outdoors once again. It’s a time of renewal, rebirth and for one of my more daring friends, re-marriage!

I didn’t realize just how cynical I’d become until one of my dear friends announced a few months ago that she and her beloved were going to tie the knot. I suppose my astonished yelp of “Why?” wasn’t the most comforting bit of encouragement she’s received, but it was most certainly my initial visceral reaction.

Suffice it to say, I haven’t had the best luck when it comes to happily ever after, although I have stayed the course and tried to be a good wife and friend for nearly 30 years. As I am aging and examining my life, I’ve come to realize that much of my problem persisted because I had very unrealistic expectations of exactly what a marriage entails.

I grew up watching romantic comedies and reading books with long-suffering heroines. Even the music I listened to had lyrics like: if her daddy’s rich take her out for a meal, if her daddy’s poor just do what you feel. I guess what I’m getting at is, at least for myself, there was no template for knowing what to expect or even what was the norm, when it comes to relationships. In my day this was all very hush-hush. I think my parents were happy, but it wasn’t up for discussion.

Teaching girls about self-esteem is a relatively new phenomenon. I’m beginning to glean that self-esteem is more about what you’ve observed or lived than what anyone can teach you. I’ve always felt pretty darned sure of myself – except when it comes to knowing what makes men tick! Coming from a highly patriarchal household, my understanding was very simple; it was my dad’s way or the highway. This doesn’t help much when it comes to knowing how to select a person to spend the rest of your life with.

Before I go any further, I must stress that I loved my dad to the moon and back. He was a product of his times, just as I am a product of mine. I just wish I’d been able to actually express what I really thought and felt because as an adult this inability has followed me into nearly every relationship I’ve had.

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer back in 1996, my husband pretty much disappeared. Oh, he was still “there” but he never went with me to a doctor’s appointment, a chemotherapy session, radiation treatment – or anything else that had to do with cancer. We owned a restaurant, so I’ve always maintained that he was too busy. And in all fairness, that is true. It would have been very difficult for him to get away from the day-to-day commitment of making sure a restaurant is running smoothly.

It was nothing like any of the movies I’d seen or the books I’d read. It was most certainly not a romantic comedy by any stretch of the imagination. I was trying so hard to save my life that I can’t say I really resented his lack of attention... I just noticed he was missing in action. As with most things, I simply didn’t know what I should expect, so I didn’t expect much. And on some level, I understood that the fear of losing someone can cause people to behave in ways that seem very counterintuitive!

Fast forward to my second diagnosis and things had changed dramatically. Not only was my husband “present,” but he tried his best to make life easier for me. Sadly, by this time I was no longer in an emotional place where I trusted (or perhaps more honestly, needed) his devotion. I didn’t want him to go with me because I felt somehow that I needed to soldier on and go it alone. At that point, to express my fears made them more real and I didn’t want that.

Over the years, I’ve figured out that marriage is many things to many people. I realize that my idealized vision of what a marriage should be wasn’t very realistic, especially if you intend to spend your entire life with another human being. Because, yes, we are complicated, we are often headstrong, and many of us simply don’t possess the tools to know how to fix something that seems to break frequently.

So, when a friend who has already been married and divorced twice, who is no longer interested in having more children, and who is self-sufficient both emotionally and financially announces she’s taking the plunge, I’m not surprised at my reaction. In fact, when we have ladies’ nights out, I always find it amusing that the women who are married often wish they weren’t – and the women who aren’t always seem to be looking for Mr. Right! Now there’s a riddle wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma, if ever there was one.

On Saturday, I decided to embrace the possibility of someone else’s happiness and attend the wedding in good spirits. I even managed to get my husband to accompany me (the promise of free food and drink will usually do the trick)! We arrived at the venue in plenty of time to see the wedding, and after squabbling like a couple of old fuddy-duddies about where we should sit, we settled in for the ceremony. I managed to make my husband laugh out loud when I announced that sometimes I feel like maybe I’m a ventriloquist’s dummy and my mother is actually the one doing the talking.

The ceremony was short and sweet. My friend and her new husband are obviously very much in love. And I will admit, there were even a couple of times during their vows when I got teary-eyed and squeezed my husband’s hand (and it wasn’t because he was about to jump up and shout something out of turn)!

When I was asked to raise a glass to the newlyweds, I was happy to congratulate them and wish them well. Who doesn’t hope for the best in these situations? I was tempted to close with a famous quote from Winston Churchill, but I refrained, because although I am sometimes a curmudgeon, my higher self is always hopeful and happy. I will, however, share this little tidbit with you:

Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: ‘If you were my husband I’d poison your brandy.’ Churchill: ‘If you were my wife I’d drink it.’