How About a Little Selfie Control?

If I was a bit thinner or had been born with longer arms, I probably wouldn’t even be thinking along these lines, but as fortune would have it, I’m not very photogenic, logical or technologically blessed. What this means is that unless my likeness is being taken by someone else from the space shuttle, whenever I see a picture of myself I think I look too fat, my nose is too big and regardless of the angle, it’s all wrong.

So it is just my luck that during my lifetime our world -- the world that has smartphones, tablets and any other number of social media gadgets -- has decided that taking your own picture at arm’s distance is a good thing. Not just a good thing, but THE thing. Puleeze!

The first few times I saw this phenomenon I will admit, I thought it was kind of novel. What a concept, I said to myself; using your own camera to take pictures of your own self. Finally I understood why my phone and tablet provided the ability to turn the tables with the press of a button. How very clever.

Of course, until this point the only time I’d managed to click the necessary button was by accident, and believe me, it wasn’t a pretty sight. I’d be all ready to take a picture of a hummingbird I’d happened upon and realize I was focusing on my double chin. Or I’d be captivated by a particularly gorgeous full moon and notice when I took a look, I was going to get a stellar shot alright – a shot of my nostrils.

And then, when I began in earnest to attempt to actually take a selfie, it was pretty much like everything else other people seem able to do effortlessly – very, very difficult for me. I’d be embarrassed to tell you how many times I’ve stood in my bathroom trying to figure out how to take the simplest selfie shot. You know, the one the rest of the world has mastered and shared with everyone from their best friends to someone’s pet mongoose. And yes, the mongoose is now famous for not only knowing how to view selfies but for receiving over a gazillion hits since he can also tap dance and recite poetry.

Meanwhile, although I have progressed from the bathroom to my back porch (perhaps it’s the lighting, again to myself), I still can’t seem to get it right. I strike the pose I’ve seen so successfully struck by any number of women (don’t even get me started on guys who take selfies), but I resemble the previously mentioned mongoose without the accompanying ability to dance or recite. Now that's not a pretty picture.

What I’ve noticed over the past few months is that if I am unable to master something it begins to annoy me. As recently as the Academy Awards I was still thinking (yes, once again to myself) “Oh, isn’t that cute, Ellen took a selfie with a bunch of famous people and so many people viewed it they crashed Twitter.” How quickly I turned!

In less time than it takes a mongoose to do the old shuffle-ball-step, I found myself starting to grouse about how self-absorbed people are these days. Yes, you’re right, I do sound like that mean old lady who used to live down the street.

A Kardashian takes a selfie of a body part and I’m grumbling up a storm. Of course, if my body parts looked like theirs, I’d be snapping pictures too. And I have to admit, a selfie does sort of even the playing field. Now, you don’t have to be rich or famous to make an ass of yourself. (Oh, gosh, that mean old lady is yelling from her porch again, huh?)

Since I absolutely cannot master the art of the selfie (unless there’s a selfie Photoshop app I don’t know about), I’m feeling like I need to come up with the next big thing. The only problem is, I can’t for the life of me figure out what that might be. Seriously, I’m still trying to figure out what a #hashtag# is (means) and feel somewhat ashamed that every time I even hear the word hash it makes me hungry.

Which is why I Googled what comes after the selfie, my thought being, if someone has already come up with the idea maybe I can steal it (I hope I said that to myself!) Well, believe it or not, it’s already happened.

It appears that if you take a group shot it’s no longer a selfie. A group selfie (and it must be true because it is already in the Urban Dictionary) is known as a palfie. In fact, it seems there are even apps that will allow you to make it look like you’ve taken your picture with someone famous.

This will be great news for celebrities since they will now be able to claim they weren’t really misbehaving – it was actually someone using a palfie app. It will also be good news for me because I will now be able to try to convince people that Johnny Depp spends every spare moment in my company. Don't believe me? Well, just look at this palfie!

Which brings me to my final point. I think I may actually have a future in palfies! All I have to do is get hold of that mongoose. I’m pretty sure his arms are longer than mine, and without a doubt, he is absolutely more talented.